


Set My Heart On Fire

by Tamawind



Series: Songfics [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Breakups, M/M, Sadstuck, This is mainly about Dave, and when I say mainly I mean that's all this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-10 14:38:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5590033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamawind/pseuds/Tamawind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You continued to stare at yourself in the mirror, pointedly avoiding looking slightly to the left were he knew he was. God you were fucked up, it's been almost 6 months yet your still not over him. You fell to your knees, violent spasms wracking your body as you tried to fold into yourself. When it passed you leaned back against wall, finally glancing over to your bed, the tears started to fall. You could see the outline of Karkat, blissfully unaware of everything going on 6 feet away. You run your hands in your hair and pull on it, trying to convince yourself it was all over. Trying to convince yourself you were over him and happier than ever with Karkat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Set My Heart On Fire

**Author's Note:**

> I can think of 50 otherways to end 2015 that would've been much happier but nope I did this instead :)
> 
> Inspired by Gasoline by Troye Sivan

You splash cold water on your face, your face drawn tight, frowning as you looked at your reflection. You felt sick. You currently were leaning your full weight completely on the counter space surrounding your sink. You continued to stare at yourself in the mirror, pointedly avoiding looking slightly to the left were he knew he was. God you were fucked up, it's been almost 6 months yet your still not over him. You fell to your knees, violent spasms wracking your body as you tried to fold into yourself. When it passed you leaned back against wall, finally glancing over to your bed, the tears started to fall. You could see the outline of Karkat, blissfully unaware of everything going on 6 feet away. You run your hands in your hair and pull on it, trying to convince yourself it was all over. Trying to convince yourself you were over him and happier than ever with Karkat.  
  
_"Dave! Dave! Wake up!" You groaned as the broader form of John Egbert continued to jump on top of you._  
  
_"It's too early for this" you grumble as you flip over onto your stomach and pull the pillow tightly against your head in a futile attempt to block out Johns voice and fall back asleep._  
  
_“But Dave, its my birthday” John said, finally settling down. You glance at the boy out of the corner of your eye._  
  
_“I swear to god John, no stop with those puppy dog eyes.” You shut your eyes only to open them when John purposely does a small roll of his hips and lets out a not to subtle moan._  
  
_“You’re going to fucking kill me” you groan but can’t help the fact that John moaning and grinding on you is definitely doing something for your dick._  
  
_“Please” John breathes out, his voice laced with a hint of desperation and his hips moving slightly faster._  
  
_You still his hips as you turn around so you can actually face your boyfriend. Once John is neatly settled straddling your waist he leans down to connect your lips with his. You close your eyes and follow the fast pace John is setting. You tug the bottom of Johns shirt, letting him know you want it off. Now._  
  
_John broke away from the kiss the tiniest of smirks on his face._  
  
_“Make me pancakes” he whispered right in front of your lips._  
  
_You don’t even respond. Your jaw drops and you shove John off of you and the bed._  
  
_“What the actual fuck John! We were in the middle of something—“ your rant was interrupted by the concernedly loud growl that had came from Johns stomach._  
  
You look away from Karkat and up at the ceiling, pancakes and sex. You’ve done both with Karkat, multiple times and in multiple scenarios. God you’re disgusting, how can Karkat deal with you when you can’t even deal with yourself. He deserves so much more, so much better. He doesn’t need a guy not serious about this and still hung up over an ex who he hasn’t contacted in months.  
  
Not for the first time in your relationship with Karkat did you realize how wrong you were to have accepted his proposal in the first place. No amount of happy moments, content times, successful dates could wipe away the emotions John had accidentally tattooed in place permanently inside of you. You’ve tried, you really have tried and you fully regret not being able to be exactly what Karkat needs and wants out of a boyfriend. You’ve spent countless nights trying to mix something for Karkat and just him. You know he loved to listen to your mixes and you loved watching him actually enjoy something you made. Whenever you watched or heard him listening to your mixes you smiled and had an overwhelming sense of pride, but at the same time you always had feeling that make you sick to your gut as you remembered that every single mix you make isn’t for Karkat at all, they’re for John.  
  
You want to forget it. You’ve tried to forget it. Nothing seems to work. You feel your chest get heavier as if more pressure was applied to it but not on the outside, on the inside. You clutch at your chest, clawing at the skin, trying to take in the oxygen you need to survive. Not really sure if you actually want to survive or not. You felt hollow. Your heart hurt and your nails were bitten down so far that scratching at your chest did nothing but aggravate and frustrate you further. You wanted this too stop, all of it. The stress over keeping this relationship and keeping up this barrier that separated your emotions from the rest of the world was all too much.  
  
You had to get out, you needed air, you needed it right now.  
  
Before you could fight with yourself and give yourself time to realize what an awful idea this was, you had already gotten up and unlocked your phone. Your fingers moving at the speed of light as you texted Rose that you were coming over. You didn’t even wait for a reply as you grabbed a hoodie you hoped was clean off the floor of your shared bedroom. Shoving your phone into the front pocket you gave one last sad look at Karkat, forcing yourself to look away so that the tears wouldn’t start back up again.  
  
You left the apartment, music on blast trying to ignore the fact that every song reminded you of how much you still loved John or how much of an asshole you are to Karkat for not admitting the truth to him. Some songs reminded you of both of those feelings. Those were your favorite. You tapped at the screen quickly making a playlist of all the songs that made you feel both emotions simultaneously and soon you had 15 songs added already. By the time you had arrived at Rose’s front door that number had been bumped up to 23.  
  
“Well if this isn’t a lovely surprise at two in the morning, ever the one for shenanigans right my dearest brother?” You noticed the faint green around her lips and how it looked like she had attempted to rub it off hastily before opening the door.  
  
“I fucked up Rose, I fucked up and I’m ruining everything I’m a shitty person Rose, a goddamn wreck” You didn’t wear your shades to this unplanned meet up with your sister and she was getting the raw unclouded emotions pouring out of you at full force.  
  
You watched as Roses’ whole demeanor changed and she quickly ushered you inside. Right then and there as you saw your sisters face change into one of genuine concern did you decide you’d tell her everything. Every single confusing and complicated emotion running through your head. You rarely did that with anyone, but with Rose it wasn’t quite as rare.  
  
_“Dave you know if you tell me not to tell anyone I wont, you know that so why are you looking so goddamn anxious” You stared at your sister from behind your shades, a scowl presenting itself on your face._  
  
_“Well maybe if you didn’t act like it isn’t serious, Rose if it wasn’t serious I wouldn’t have come to you, in fact you’re one of the last people I would go to see about this type of stuff if it wasn’t so motherfucking important.” That was a lie, Rose was the first person to pop into your head when you wanted to talk to someone, about anything, and she knew it._  
  
_“My apologies Dave I didn’t mean to come off like that, I really do care, here, how about from now on if it’s super serious and you come to me, there’ll be no games, just a real heart to heart.”_  
  
_“The feelingist feelings jam to have ever jammed?” You offer trying to lighten up the mood that had seemed to settle around the two of you._  
  
  
_“Yes Dave, those were just the words I was looking for, you took them right out of my own mouth, now whats bothering you?”_  
  
Rose sat quietly nodding and offering up small remarks as you spilled your soul out to her in the comfort of her living room. Kanaya had walked in towards the beginning, quietly handing you and Rose some tea before excusing herself to the bedroom upstairs. You had told Rose everything. There was no half assing it when  it came to serious feeling jam times. By the end of it, you felt slightly better, still a shitty person who fucked up big time but not one consumed with a thousand different secrets that all added up into one major problem.  
  
You wish Rose could take all your problems and solve them and even though she was a very successful and helpful therapist, problems weren’t simply solved by talking, they required actions and participation from oneself and possibly others to solve it. You knew all this yet you still hoped Rose could whip out her magic wand and clean you of all the sins you had committed both in your mind and out of it. You also wish someone would set your heart on fire, the useless muscle it was, it had no right influencing your mind and causing all this unneeded stress and problems to appear in your life that wouldn’t have presented themselves if you lacked one in the first place.  
  
“I think you need to talk to Karkat. You can’t keep leading him on because thats not who you are one and two he doesn’t deserve that. I also believe its about time you and John sorted all of this out. Neither of you found closure at the end of that relationship and you both didn’t give it and if either of you want to be successful in the relationships you’re in or any future ones you need to talk to each other first. Time doesn’t heal anything if a wound wasn’t there to begin with.”  
  
“Wait so do I talk to John first? Because I guarantee that the last words he wants to hear from me are the exact ones I’ll probably say to him” You already know those words, you’ve said them in your head for almost a full year.  
  
“Yes, that’s for the best. If all goes well I believe you can save your relationship with Karkat if you still wish to pursue it that is.” Roses face was impassive but you could tell she was concerned for you. This wasn’t going to be an easy task and she knew it.  
  
“Hey Rose?” you say looking down and nervously tangling your fingers together, she offers a small hum in response.  
  
“Can I stay the night? I’m not ready to go home yet and…” face Karkat in the morning.  
 Rose knew what you were going to say so you didn’t bother finishing the sentence out loud. She just nodded and took your cup of tea to the kitchen informing you the guest bedroom was just up the stairs and the last door too the left. You nod and thank her before pausing on the steps.  
  
“Rose,” Your words get caught in your throat but it’s too late Rose already poked her head out of the kitchen to look at you as you spoke to her, “Thank you, for tonight and every other night and just… Thank you for always being there for me” Rose smiled and walked over you both hugged each other tightly, it felt good not to have to put up an act in front of her. It felt good to just be honest about yourself.  
  
You went to bed that night and made a promise to yourself you’d be honest know to everyone including yourself. You had already chosen the first person to be honest too as well and that person was your ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend John Egbert.  
  
When you wake up the next morning you immediately regret everything, you remember the promise you made to yourself and your plan to talk to John today and you feel like you’re going to throw up all over Kanaya’s lovely sheets. You feel faint vibrations on your stomach and remember your phone was in your hoodie pocket still. You pulled it out and you felt like throwing up again for a totally different reason. Karkat was calling you. You don’t hang up automatically, instead you ignore it all together and let it ring. He calls three more times and you feel guiltier every time you ignore it. It wasn’t Karkat’s fault, you wish you could tell him that, tell him how you felt right now had nothing to do with him. You wish you could tell him how perfect he was and how it was you who was fucked up. Your heart speeds up just thinking of having to say that to him and having to look him in the face as you say it. You don’t know if you could ever look at him the same way after what you had admitted to Rose last night. It wasn’t just in your head anymore, it was out there meaning it was real and you weren’t entirely sure you were as ready as you thought you were last night.  
  
  
Rose was right, Karkat didn’t deserve this, he deserved his fairy tale knight in shining armor, here to save him from the horrors of the world and then fall madly in love with each other and rule the kingdom together forever.  
You weren’t that knight. You weren’t the guy who could make Karkat truly happy. You weren’t looking for forever with him. You were just some dumb kid who was looking for someone to feel less alone with at a time that you were at your lowest. No, Karkat didn’t deserve this at all and you never deserved him in the first place. You were going to ruin him, he’s going to be so hurt that the plans you had made together for the future were all lies since after day one, your mind was still solely focused on someone else.  
  
Your brain conjures up an image of Karkat, and plays out all the different ways he’d react and how his face would look when you told him. All images showed him completely broken and crying, there was never just a single emotion on his face. You think you could handle if he was just angry at you, but you don’t think you could handle if he was both sad and angry or sad, angry, hurt, confused and broken. You wanted to reach out and hug him, even though he was only in your mind right now. When you thought that the image of Karkat flinched and you realize, he might not want to even look at you after all this.  
  
Your stomach drops, you want to tell Karkat but you don’t want things to change, you want to believe some part of you really does love him in the way Karkat wants him too. Part of him wants to believe they can stay as they are forever but a bigger part of him knows if he doesn’t do this there's going to be a huge ‘What If’ hanging above his head forever.  
  
If John feels the same way then eventually you and John could possibly get together again. If John doesn’t though and can’t reciprocate the feeling anymore than you don’t want to lose Karkat. As selfish as that sounds, you can’t bare the thought of being alone again, you can’t imagine sleeping in your own bed and having it be cold, faintly keeping the smell of Karkat laced in its sheets for months on end.  
  
You lay down with your head shoved into the pillow, you scream at the top of your lungs, not particularly caring that this pillow muffles close to nothing. Not for the first time, did you wish someone would set your heart on fire so that all this pain would disappear forever. 

**Author's Note:**

> Any questions or requests ?
> 
> Message me on tumblr @ turntechbio 
> 
> Message me on Kik @ Nevervperfect 
> 
> Or just leave them in the comments below!


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